I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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