Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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