My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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