Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
