at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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