my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
