EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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