Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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