So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
