I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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