Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Bring me that man meat
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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