umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
