quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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