Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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