So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
