I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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