After last night, I could never be a politician.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
