I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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