her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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