just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
