i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
