the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
