Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
