My sheets look like a crime scene.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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