I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
