I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
now i know why i became what i already was.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
