Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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