i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you inspire me to be a worse person
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
