Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
