Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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