You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
