I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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