I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
