the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
