she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
