just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
