i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Drunk is not a location!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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