I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize