As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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