The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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