I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
