i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
