Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
