He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
