i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so let's talk penis.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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