Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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