2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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