don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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