sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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