if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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