I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
