So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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