Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
