this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
