If i come over, it means nothing
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Randomize
