I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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