woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
