i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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